We Need To Do Better

I'm taking a break from my faith journey for a minute.

This one's gonna get real personal, and probably controversial for some. But I'm gonna share this here because this is my safe space, and I've come across many people who have been too afraid to share their own stories about similar challenges for fear of being judged. 

Buckle up. 

The other day I walked into my therapist's office twenty minutes late. I don't think I'd have been able to say something like that two years ago. 

I used to be so punctual. So reliable. I even had one of those massive, thick agendas you could buy from Barnes and Noble. I was always early because I never wanted to miss anything. 

Now...there's not a lot I wouldn't care to miss. 

At first listen that probably makes me sound depressed, but that isn't it. I love my life. I love my husband, I love my job. I love living in Florida. I have a good support team. I'm happy here. But I tell you what...the overwhelm and the burnout has me pretty far over the edge right now. 

For those of you who don't know, my husband and I were foster parents in our early twenties, and we adopted a sibling group of five after fostering them for three years. About two years ago one of my kids had a complete mental breakdown. This child has been dealing with mental health challenges in regards to abandonment their whole life (thanks a lot, birth mom). Things started to get worse and worse when they were about 12, but the past two years have been completely out of control. This child has been in and out of residential treatment centers and intensive outpatient therapeutic programs. We've had wraparound teams, de-escalation teams, CPS, and the sheriff's department in our homes multiple times. This child has been "Baker-Acted" four times (for those of you who don't know what that means, it's when you're involuntarily admitted to a short-term behavioral health facility when you are a danger to yourself or others. They have physically assaulted my other children on multiple occasions, been diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression, Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Reactive Attachment Disorder. This child has been kicked out of psychiatric programs for elopement, started physical fights with unrelated children, failed multiple classes in school, and threatened suicide if they do not get their way. While we do not currently have a diagnosis for it, as it's not a diagnosis most doctors will sign off on for minors, we've read several books on Borderline Personality Disorder that describe this child perfectly. 

About 8 months after this child really started to go down the rabbit hole of self-destruction, we were at a complete loss for what to do. This child was growing more and more destructive and abusive in our home, and it wasn't safe for them to be around our other children. A close family member offered to take them into their home for a few weeks, to give everyone a chance to breathe for a moment. In typical BPD fashion, within three weeks this child had manipulated several members of our extended family into believing that my husband and I were just controlling parents who were using mental health treatments as a punishment. Nearly two years later, the hurt I felt back then is still raw. They hadn't seen what we'd seen. And with this child...they never will. It forever jaded my ability to trust these family members. 

Not only did I feel alone back then...I felt unsupported.
Accused.
Gaslighted.
Shamed.

I have six other children. Four of whom came from the same birth mother as the child mentioned above, and are living with their own mental health challenges. We've got kids who were on methadone treatments as newborns for being born drug-addicted. Another kid who has been Baker Acted twice. We have one kid with diagnosed Autism and two more waiting to be tested by a neurologist for it. We have learning disabilities-manage 3 Individualized Education Plans and one 504 Plan. We have individual therapists and family therapists, and intensive outpatient therapies three times a week. We meet with psychiatrists and targeted case managers each week. We manage several different medications daily. We have kids who daily throw massive tantrums sometimes harming others, destroying property, and not only not showing zero remorse for their actions, but blaming others for them. We even have one child who we aren't completely sure isn't an actual, clinical psychopath. 

Did you get tired reading that? Imagine how it feels LIVING it.

So why am I telling you all this? Why am I once again airing my figurative dirty laundry? Because I want you to know how real it is, that someone like me who seemingly has all their shit together, can be right on the edge of falling apart. 

Let me be clear...I don't want sympathy. 
But I NEED empathy. 

Two years ago I learned that I can't seek help for my children without others judging me, assuming the worst, and accusing me of being something I'm not. 

And that really really sucks. 

What sucks even more though, is there are so many parents going through this with their children, and they're afraid to talk about it, because they're already exhausted. People like me, we don't have the energy to add more to our plate, but when we receive those harsh, hateful judgements, it really does push us over the edge of our own ability to handle what no parent should be having to handle in the first place. 

Why do humans do this to each other? Why are we so quick to have an opinion on something we don't know anything about?

I'm here today to beg mankind to do better. 

We NEED to do better.

Every person you walk past on the street is going through something in their lives, and even if they tell you their story, you'll never know everything. So let's just stop for a second, keep our own flawed opinions out of the mix, and empathize.

Empathy never hurt anyone.
But judgement did.