The Secret Life of This Mormon Wife

I have a confession to make.  (Well, several, actually, but this one in particular is specific to my lifelong membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.)

I haven't worn garments in a very long time. 

(For those of you who don't know what that means, garments are religious clothing that active adult members of our church wear under their regular clothing when they have made specific covenants in our temples. They are to be worn at all times, except for activities like swimming. The garment is symbolic in many ways, and is supposed to be an "outward expression of an inward commitment" to Christ.)

I started wearing garments in 2009, the day I married my wonderful husband, and I wore them constantly until my third trimester with my now five-year-old daughter. During pregnancy, the extra layer of clothing started to create a bit of claustrophobia in me. For the next two years, back-to-back pregnancies and breastfeeding became my physical focus, and garments just weren't comfortable during the time. I got out of the habit of wearing them. And for the past two years I've just chosen not to.

For a long time, I felt badly about myself for not wearing them, so sometimes I'd wear them out of what I felt was my duty to show my commitment to Christ.

Then one day I realized that Christ didn't need me to wear special clothing to show my commitment to him. 

And my second confession...

EVERY time I see another woman from the church, I take a closer peek to judge whether or not she is wearing her garments, even though I'm not wearing mine. 

And I really, really hate that about myself. 

I hate that at 38 years old, I am still looking at other women and judging them for a choice that has nothing to do with me, but even more so, a choice I believe doesn't even a little bit make them any less of a Christian. 

Like I said...Christ doesn't need us to wear special clothing to show our commitment to him. 

Let me be very clear: I feel deep respect for those who choose to wear their garments. Some people truly do consider them to be a reminder of those covenants and I support that point of view, even though I don't feel the same about them myself anymore.

I also feel deep respect for, and identify with those who choose not to wear them. But most importantly, I support the notion that adults should never be made to feel "unworthy" because they do not feel they need a physical symbol to remind them of the religious commitments they have made. Because I grew up believing this and being taught this way, I find myself constantly trying to redirect my judgement not only of others, but of myself.

By the church's standard, I'm not worthy to enter the temple in which I made covenants 15 years ago. I live my life by a different standard than the church raised me in. And that has been a difficult pill to swallow, because I grew up trying hard to do everything "right," and I still beat myself up sometimes for what I used to believe were imperfections, and now know are just differences in belief. 

But no matter what my choices are, whether I fit the mold of a perfect "Mormon" wife or I don't, I am committed to Christ. I still love him. And I still strive to be like him. 

Whoever you are.....

Whatever you are....

....there is room for you. You are loved. You are wanted, needed, and cherished. You may not feel like you fit the mold, but I've got news for you: 

There is no mold. 

God gave us agency because he wanted us to USE it. He wants us to become the best people we can be. And that doesn't mean we will all be able to sit next to each other in an endowment session. Sometimes the most holy of places is just accepting others...and ourselves...exactly as what we are.